It’s been almost a month since my last post, “Lady’s Lesson on Infertility,” and as I vowed, I’ve been focusing my energy and thoughts on enjoying my life as it is. Okay, I lied. We just spent a week backpacking in the Sierras, as we’ve done for the past 2 years, but I couldn’t go into it without thinking back to last year’s trip when I was pregnant. Although I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time, I remember feeling truly content and at peace in that moment–that all was right somehow–amidst the mountains and breathtaking altitude. This year, though, I kept hoping that maybe I was pregnant again(!), taking away the peace of focusing simply on every step forward as we hiked. Alas, I started spotting the day after we crossed the arduous Cottonwood Pass and settled at a gorgeous spot at Big Whitney Meadow. We talked that morning and I cried, and it came to pass that I made it over my metaphorical mountain. I made it through “the valley of the shadow of death,” and since then have been struggling uphill towards a mystical peak. I told Sean that I didn’t want to do it anymore. I am over it. I’m over feeling like my life is unfulfilled because we don’t have kids. I’m over feeling guilty about having a drink with dinner. I’m over feeling bitter towards those that are oblivious or insensitive to those of us who are struggling with infertility. I’m over it already.
And you know what? I’m still sad, but it’s also a relief. It reminds me of a job that made me miserable. Being in my twenties at the time, I pushed myself to stick it out for at least a year. I went through a depression and sought therapy. The situation worsened until my year was over, and I finally quit. What I would tell my younger self now is that it really would have been fine if I just gave myself a break and called it quits sooner. And so, I’m telling myself now that it’s okay to quit this rollercoaster ride because it sucks. We’re going to move on with our lives and take advantage of every ounce of freedom we have as a couple of adventurers with just goat kids.